


Linger

by Alexwritesfics



Series: Stay [1]
Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Angst, Bisexuality, Character Study (kind of), Fluff, Frottage, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Sex Dreams, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2015-12-17
Packaged: 2018-05-07 04:14:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5442977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexwritesfics/pseuds/Alexwritesfics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Andy struggles with himself, and the only solution he can come up with is Thomas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Linger

**Author's Note:**

> This is an Andy-centric fic and a follow-up to Fleeting, which is from Thomas' perspective. They can both be read as standalones. Unbeta-ed as usual. Enjoy x

He'd often thought about... _It_ when growing up. Courting, he meant. And all that came with it. But he'd been too shy at home in London, too shy as a hallboy. Pretty people came and went, but Andy stayed in the background as he was often told to do, not feeling it was his place to even try. The footmen and even occasionally the hallboys regaled each other with bawdy tales of women they'd met or starlets from the flicks when the butler was blessedly out of earshot, but it was little more than white noise to Andy - how could he relate these stories to his inexperienced self? He usually tried to smile politely and let them all get on with it. Only when he got time to himself - a rare occurrence for someone of his position - did he begin to reflect on the things that were said about love and all the shades in-between. But Downton Abbey felt like a fresh start.

So yes, he'd often though about... Things like that.

But not nearly so much as when he had moved into Downton Abbey, finally a footman. Not nearly so much as when he'd got to know Mister Barrow, the kind, accommodating but altogether enigmatic underbutler who played cards with Andy and smoked long into the evenings, eyelids closed slightly as if he was dreaming fondly of being somewhere else.

Andy never wanted to be anywhere else when he was with Mister Ba- _Thomas._ And the footman wanted to _stay_ there, right in the moment, to soak up more of that wisdom and wit and irresistible demeanour. He often wanted to reach out to Thomas, touch him on the knee or on the hand or on a soft but sharply cut cheek, just to make sure he was real.

It seemed _mad_ to Andy that the maturing Thomas wasn't already settled down with a woman yet.

And then he heard the news - Thomas was in fact a homosexual. A living, breathing homosexual. Something Andy had never encountered in his life, but knew about. The staff were mostly aware of what Thomas was, and tended to turn a blind eye to the illegality of Thomas' nature, though seemed simultaneously wary of him because of his preferences. Instead of the discovery repelling Andy, Andy somehow found himself even more drawn to the underbutler.

Andy then knew that a certain problem had presented itself.

~*~

_Thomas Barrow moaned as Andy ran his lips across the expanse of pale skin lay before him. Andy revelled in the sound, dipping his tongue into Thomas' navel. Thomas gasped in what sounded like delight, hands reaching down to pull slightly at Andy's hair._

_Andy smiled, eyes hidden behind his curls for a moment as he kissed his way back up Thomas' body, burying his face in the crook of Thomas' neck as their hips began to rock. Andy was inexperienced - he wasn't ready to kiss his way past that navel and prove his talents elsewhere, but Thomas didn't seem to mind._

_There was stubble along Thomas' jawline, and so Andy traced his tongue across it, legs beginning to shake from the sensation of Thomas' naked body against his own. The slip of skin-on-skin was magical to the footman. Andy knew he was blushing fiercely at a situation so intimate, but it didn't matter because Thomas was kissing him like they'd been kissing each other for years, but it was all still so new and exciting, and Andy couldn't stop his eagerness shining through - he moaned into Thomas' mouth, hips grinding frantically to chase any bit of friction he could muster. Thomas was making sounds too, fainter but still there. They were all for Andy._

_It was ecstasy._

_And he'd wanted this all along, he'd wanted this forever, and now, finally-_

~*~

Andy Parker sat bolt upright in bed with his heart in his throat and a throbbing erection.

_So. That's it then._

Andy squeezed his eyes shut, biting his lip. He had been wondering why he was so drawn to Mister Barrow - and now, here it was, plain as day in the middle of the night. He had got his answer.

~*~

'You alright, Andy?' Thomas said, sitting down next to him.

Andy winced despite himself, but nodded all the same. It had been a rotten afternoon.

Memories of that dream had lingered in his mind's eye throughout the day, and he felt a blush creep up on him and his stomach lurch with surprise every time Thomas was near. To make matters worse, Andy had been pulled out of his usual routine to speak to Mister Carson.

A half-expected warning about Thomas, a poor attempt at "The Talk" and twenty minutes of barely any eye contact between Mister Carson and himself had left Andy's stomach in knots. He understood why the other staff felt the need to educate him about such matters - if he hadn't been told about sex in his last house he may have been left in the dark entirely until now - but he couldn't help but feel patronised. He was a man now. He could make his own decisions about who he chose to keep company with.

But what Carson had said - that people like him and Thomas were dangerous inverts who couldn't control their disgusting preferences... The thought that Thomas had come up against words and ideologies like that throughout his entire career, that Andy's own sorry journey was just beginning - well, it scared Andy more than he liked to admit to himself.

Andy felt different from everyone else now, somehow estranged. He got on well with the rest of the staff, but now there was the secret, the heavy burden on his shoulders. They'd all be disgusted by him if they knew what he'd been thinking about at night. He couldn't control his dreams, and he couldn't control who he felt attracted to. And because of this, he was an outsider. He didn't want to feel like that anymore.

'You sure, Andy?' Thomas asked softly. 'You've seemed a bit out of sorts today.' Kind Mister Barrow, always ready to help Andy with his problems... Andy felt himself flush, unwilling to meet Thomas' eyes just then. He kept his gaze fixed on the empty expanse of table in-front of him. He felt so... Dirty. So wrong.

'I-I've left something in my room, l-let me just-' Andy got up from his chair, hurrying out of the room. He caught a glimpse of Thomas' face as he made his way out.

The underbutler looked hurt.

~*~

Andy woke up again with his hand already ghosting beneath the waistband of his pyjamas.

His heart thrummed anxiously in his chest.

_Thomas again... Why is it always Thomas...?_

He bit his lip just as he had done that very first time, his thoughts drifting to women. Females. The fairer sex. People who Andy knew he should find beautiful.

And he still did.

He remembered the blossoming daughter of his previous master - her name had been Marjorie. She was... Enchanting. At least, that was how Andy remembered her now. Flowing auburn waves tied neatly in a bun. Kind brown eyes. Sleek pastel gowns. She was the epitome of grace and had the attention of anyone who came into contact with her. She would smile at him sometimes on her daily walks in the yard, and the other hallboys would laugh at Andy later, joke that he actually had a chance. Andy knew he didn't have a chance. But when he saw her his heart would quicken and his mind would wander to the curve of her waist and what it would be like to hold her.

But he was a working class boy, and shy to boot.

And now, here he was - hopelessly plagued by thoughts of Mister Barrow during his nights spent in Downton Abbey. The underbutler also had an air of sophistication. He was just as beautiful in his own way, and just as unobtainable.

The memory of Thomas - his sleek black hair, piercing grey eyes and cigarette between his lips, thoughts that blended with some of his more explicit dreams in his tired state - brought Andy back to painful hardness. A lump of guilt was forming in his throat. He always seemed to find himself wanting things he couldn't have, but _this,_ this was so much worse.

The guilt lingered on long after he'd deigned to bring himself to completion. He lay there in the dark, listening to the heavy silence that living in the country brought, and willed his heart to calm its nervous drum beat.

~*~

Mister Barrow was still being so bloody _kind_.

Night after night the pair had been holed up in Andy's room, trying to make some progress with the young footman's literacy. It was proving to be quite the challenge, and Andy wouldn't have blamed Thomas, an underbutler and all in all a very busy man, for giving up on it. Andy flipped hastily the pages of the book set in-front of him, trying to find a suitable passage to read, but it was so _hard_ just then, and the letters never seemed to match up in his thick, stupid head, and in the cramped space of Andy's room the footman could smell a frankly intoxicating hint of Thomas' cologne.

Thomas' hand came down to still Andy's. '...Calm down, alright?' Thomas said in a voice gentler than the one he reserved for the outside world. 'I can hear your brain going a mile a bloody minute. You're doing fine from where I'm standing.'

'Then you're not standing close enough,' Andy said before he could stop himself, 'because I'm not doing very well at all. It's getting to be a bit hopeless with me, isn't it? A-And for the record, my brain isn't nearly fast enough to go a mile a minute...' He looked down at his hand with Thomas' atop it, flushing. He felt like such a child.

_And a man like Thomas Barrow shouldn't have to waste his time with someone so childish._

'There's all the time in the world to learn,' Thomas said, gently taking his hand away, and even though Andy knew it couldn't possibly be true he felt himself calm down. Just a little bit.

Andy shrugged and nodded despite it all. 'I-I guess I could take a break now. It's getting kind of late, isn't it? And we're both busy with everything...'

'Feel free to take a break, but don't think you have to do it on my behalf,' Thomas said. 'I'm always happy to help you out with this. It's a good skill.'

'Thank-you Mister Barrow,' Andy said with feeling. 'You're... You're very kind to me.'

There was a flicker of something in Thomas' expression, before he cleared his throat and said: 'I hope you don't mind me helping you out in this way, Andy. I don't want to have overstepped my mark, and I don't... I don't want you to feel uncomfortable, o-or anything like that.'

Andy saw a haunted look in Thomas' eyes, as if the past was somehow repeating itself. He remembered the other afternoon.

The talk with Carson in the butler's office. The warning. Andy's subsequent avoidance of Thomas.

 _I never wanted to hurt you...!_ Andy desperately wanted to say. The thought of Thomas hurting because of something Andy had done made Andy's stomach turn.

'I'm never uncomfortable when you teach me, Mister Barrow,' Andy said, trying on a smile for Thomas' sake. 'I'm, I-I'm much better at reading than I was. Christ, I could barely write a single letter of the alphabet before you came along. And... And I enjoy your company.' _And that's our problem. Well, my problem. I like you too much for my own bloody good and it's keeping me awake at night._

Thomas smiled - it suited his features extraordinarily. It was still a sad sort of smile, but Andy felt like they were finally getting somewhere.

 _Steady on... Where exactly are you trying to go?_ Andy admonished himself, wincing before he could stop the action. It was getting harder and harder every day to stop such thoughts. They were against God, apparently against nature - but whenever Thomas was near, the dam broke like it had never really been there at all and the thoughts flowed thick and fast, as if they were the most natural thing in the world.

Thomas was still smiling, grey eyes lighting up in the most remarkable way, and Andy's heart scrambled desperately to take flight in his chest.

_...I don't stand a chance, do I? I'm done for._

Andy forced another smile. '...I think I'll give this reading lark another try then.'

'Glad to hear it,' Thomas said, and Andy felt the strength to carry on with his most hated subject at school.

~*~

Andy knocked hesitantly, but the door just creaked open too easily for it to have been closed.

'...Mister Barrow? I'm here for our less-' Andy stopped mid-sentence when he saw just where Thomas was.

He was slumped over his desk, sleeping.

For a terrible moment Andy had thought the man had fainted, but a quiet snore indicated a different turn of events. Thomas' dark fringe had fallen slightly in-front of his eyes and Andy could see it was streaked with grey.

Andy found he actually rather liked it. Thomas Barrow was an ageing, opinionated, emotional human being, something the staff appeared to be altogether unaware of at times. It made Andy wonder all the more about what kind of life Thomas had led without the prying eyes of the abbey - surely he must have tried to make a life for himself at some point? Thomas was such a smart, resourceful man... There had to be other things he could've tried his hand at as well as service.

Thomas' sleeping face made him look much younger, and a great deal more vulnerable. But he was still worn and weary, and the shadows underneath his eyes seemed more prominent than ever.

'Mister Barrow...?' Andy called out, a little louder this time.

Thomas stirred, but didn't wake. The peacefulness of the scene Andy had stumbled in on was almost overwhelming in a way.

Andy took a few more tentative steps into the room, feeling like he was intruding but also feeling drawn to Thomas, as he often was these days.

_His eyelashes..._

They were long and rather beautiful, in Andy's humble opinion, and appeared to grow longer the closer Andy was to the man in-front of him. The footman longed to reach out and touch Thomas' cheek, stroke it reverently and become more acquainted with that lovely face, but he knew it wasn't his place to, and he also knew that it never would be.

He pulled away slowly before he gave into curiosity, the now-familiar scent of Thomas' cologne making the heat rise in his face.

But what could he do now? Wake Thomas and let embarrassment take hold? Get Thomas a blanket? Simply leave the way he'd came and let Thomas deal with the consequences of sleeping hunched over in a hard wooden chair all night?

The problem miraculously solved itself when Andy felt a cough coming on. He tried to muffle the sound when it happened, but it was too late.

Thomas made small noises upon waking, rubbing his eyes and gradually sitting upright. '...Andy?'

There was a sudden look of shock in those piercing eyes.

And that was when Andy realised just how close he still was to Thomas, and how inappropriate it could seem, and how he was blushing beneath Thomas' intense, calculating gaze.

Andy found his heart in his throat for not the first time that week. _Oh my god... He's seen me. SEEN ME, he's seen how much I want him and how much I've been trying to hide it-_

Andy saw pink tinge Thomas' cheeks. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking. Or _maybe_ what Andy's eyes were seeing was in fact the truth, and Thomas was just embarrassed for the both of them.

'Andy...' Thomas repeated again, softer this time. Heat spread in Andy's gut, and something made the footman take a few more steps forward.

He threw caution to the wind and took Thomas' arm, and somehow he knew that things had already begun to change between them. Thomas' lips were so close...

Thomas put a hand on where Andy's was, and his eyes were filled with a certain... Something that Andy couldn't quite put his finger on but liked immensely.

'Did you need me to help with your reading tonight?' Thomas asked, finally breaking the silence. His accent was rougher than usual, and Andy privately loved the way it sounded.

'But you're tired,' Andy said with affection he so desperately tried to conceal. 'You've been really busy lately, we all have... Maybe we should leave it for tonight.' _Always so worried about me... Let me take care of you for a change._

'...I must be working meself too hard,' Thomas conceded, smiling and looking away. Andy had never seen Thomas so bashful before, if someone like Thomas could ever have the word "bashful" attached to them. 'I'm going to bed then,' Thomas said, pulling away and getting to his feet.

'Good night, Mister Barrow,' Andy said, hoping against hope that there was a way to get Thomas to stay.

Thomas gave one last lingering look in the doorway that set Andy's imagination aflame. 'Good night, Andy.'

~*~

It was autumn, and Andy was starting to feel a bitter chill in the air. The rest of the staff seemed to feel it too. Everyone became more subdued. Autumn meant planning for the winter, which meant Christmas and Lady Edith's upcoming wedding. Mister Carson was determined it went off without a hitch, and so was making the servant's lives a bit of a misery - it was hard to find a moment to themselves nowadays with all the preparation going on around them. It all seemed strangely cyclical to Andy. He could already tell the years would begin to blur in his mind much like they had back at his old estate.

His family wrote often, asking how he was getting on. He dodged the questions regarding girls, something he did even before he had found Thomas - Andy had been too shy to even send a well-placed smile someone's way, let alone go out to the see a flick with a girl on his arm.

But he felt more guilt than usual. His attraction to women hadn't faded - not that he came into contact with many different women every day - but once again it merely seemed like background noise to the main event. He was stuck with Thomas and Thomas didn't even realise it. No man or woman had particularly caught his eye since he'd felt himself grow attached to Mister Barrow, and the attraction simply wouldn't shift no matter how many times he tried to push it out of his mind and heart.

On the other hand, his large family was thriving, blissfully unaware of one of their sons' inner turmoil.

It didn't really sink in just how much shame he felt until he heard news of Eddie Parker, his older brother.

Eddie was over the moon.

He was marrying Miss Dorothy Brookes in the spring.

_Oh._

The footman's hands began to shake as his vision blurred. He shouldn't have read the letter over breakfast, he reasoned vaguely.

Because now, choice people were realising that something was amiss.

'Is everything alright this morning, Andrew?' Mrs Hughes asked, motherly concern in her eyes. She'd clearly just said what Thomas had wanted to say - Andy could see what he now recognised as a look of concern on his face.

Andy hastily wiped his eyes and mumbled an: "I'm fine, thank-you" before making his exit.

Breakfast could wait. He had a few things to think about.

~*~

It wasn't until a few days later that Thomas brought up the subject of Andy's departure at breakfast. He was smoking a cigarette in the yard whilst Andy attempted to read from a magazine. '...You've seemed distracted lately,' Thomas said. 'Is there anything bothering you?'

'I'm sorry, I'm trying hard with the reading, I really am,' Andy was quick to say, but Thomas cut across.

'It's not about that.' He gave one of his reserved smiles. 'You read just fine.'

'Slowly,' Andy said with a rueful little smile of his own.

'You read fine,' Thomas repeated with feeling. 'But if you're upset about something, if there's anything I can do-'

'-No, I-I'm honestly fine. I've just had some news from home.'

'Is it bad news?'

'N-No, it's really good, actually. My brother, Edward, he's... He's getting married.'

There was a flicker of an unreadable emotion on Thomas' face, before he smiled again. 'Well, that's great, isn't it? Congratulations from me. Will you get time off for their wedding?'

'Hopefully, yeah...' Andy said, forcing another smile as Thomas stubbed out the cigarette.

'I'll try and put in a good word with Mister Carson if that would help...'

'Honestly, you're already too kind to me... I don't deserve it.'

'...Don't worry about it. This is important. You should be with your family that day, shouldn't you? You seem so close to them, and I'd hate for you to not be able to see your own brother get married.'

Andy knew deep inside him what that first emotion Thomas had revealed was.

Loneliness. Plain and simple.

Andy was sure it was going to become a familiar friend to him if things continued on this way.

~*~

'Your son William sounds like he was a very nice man,' Andy said sincerely to Mister Mason. Andy had been helping out with the pigs on his afternoon off, and talk had turned to the effects of the war. Andy had lost an uncle. It turned out that Mister Mason had lost his beloved son.

'He really was,' Mister Mason said with a slightly wistful look on his face. 'But I've gained Daisy as a daughter-in-law. Nothing will ever bring William back, but I'm certainly glad I have her in my life now. It's funny, the paths life sometimes take you on.'

'You must have loved William very much,' Andy said softly.

'I did... I wish he hadn't had to go to the war. A-And I wish we'd had more time together before he passed away. I wish that about his mother as well. I miss her so.'

Andy leaned against the wall, feeling the weight of Mister Mason's loss. Well, part of it, anyway. He didn't think he'd ever be able to comprehend just how much of a burden Mister Mason had to carry around day after day.

'This seems like a home with lots of love in it,' Andy said. 'Reminds me of my own home back in London.'

'Ah, I'm sure you'll settle down soon enough and have a family of your own,' Mister Mason said, fondness in his voice. 'Then you'll have your own home with love in it. It's only a matter of time.'

'So you think it's important?'

'One of the most important things you'll ever do. Love is the most important thing. You'll never be happy if you can't love.'

~*~

He could still settle down with a nice girl like his parents were expecting him to. There would be the swallowing of his fear of rejection, no easy task, but he supposed it was still possible that a woman would love him just the same. He could have a wife and children, move to a new home, a cottage with a farm. He'd be a respectable man of the community and he wouldn't have to fear dying alone. He had that power. He had that possibility in a way Thomas probably didn't. But Andy's heart held firm despite everything.

He sighed, putting his head in his hands. Well... At least he wasn't the sole protecter of the bloodline. There would be other children in the family, grandchildren for his parents to dote on while he got older and lonelier with each step he took.

But he wasn't surrounded by his large, happy family anymore.

He was a man now.

He didn't want to be withering away like this, plagued by indecision.

He had to know whether there was a chance.

~*~

He was still so scared as he got up from where he was sitting on his bed and left his room. Nothing would ever be the same. He was about to make his intentions clear.

He finally made it over to the boot room, where he knew Thomas would be working that day.

The lump of guilt was back in Andy's throat again, taunting him and trying to keep him in line. He swallowed it as best he could, steeling himself as he opened the door.

Thomas looked up with those beautiful, piercing eyes of his and said: "Andy?"

Andy clenched his fists for a moment to stop them from trembling, making his way over to where Thomas was stood, apron still on.

The footman placed his hands on Thomas' hips, to steady himself, to make sure Thomas was still real and wouldn't disappear in the blink of an eye. And maybe also because Andy had wanted his hands on Thomas' hips for a long, long time.

Thomas' eyes were slightly lidded now, as if he knew what he was about to be propositioned with. _There's still so much I don't know about you... I want to know you._

The thought lingered in his mind as Thomas finally pulled him in for a kiss.

Andy took a chance.


End file.
